every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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