Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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