You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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