Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
