I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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