Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
