So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
