apparently the secret to your success is patron
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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