Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
