i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
two words: eviction party
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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