I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
