hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
