I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
