I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
