I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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