Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
