Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Someone signed my nipple.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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