he told me I talked like a deaf person
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
