Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Randomize
