Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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