i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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