he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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