porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
