Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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