I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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