My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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