just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I love having hate sex.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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