Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
