I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
