she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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