dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
