if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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