She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
