Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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