Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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