Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
