porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
