How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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