I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
