Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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