she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
