I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
