If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
