I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My vagina is very pro this idea
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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