My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
