Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
