i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
