drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
