Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
