How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
