I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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