Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
