i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
