I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
