quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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