Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
