I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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