You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
